Musings of sleeplessness (and restlessness for that matter)

So today I finally hit that point when you procrastinate for an unduly long time and finally have to face the pressure of a very very pressing deadline. Of course, I am such a masterful procrastinator that I lackadaisically let about a dozen pressing deadlines converge at the same point, so I'm dealing with the consequences and trading sleep for a-slim-shot-at-all-night-productivity. That's just how I do.
Anyway, in the middle of completing what amounts to two complete online courses over the span of the last twelve hours, I got the impulse to write in my journal and what came out has a lot to do, I think, with the whole prospect of travel, of education, and what we're (or at least I'm) hoping to get out of it all:

I want something that makes my heart burst and pump with energy and passion and dedication and affirmative, resounding purpose and yes.

pump. yes. pump. yes. pump.

I want to live in such a way that with every beat my heart is pumping a steady flow of yes's through every inch of my body.

Can you picture that?

Can you imagine living a life so empowered and engaged that every breath replenishes your sense of purpose and every heartbeat releases a resounding yes into your bloodstream?

This is what I want.

I want to find and live my way into the something that makes this image real.

And then of course I drew a little picture of me with a giant red heart pumping a stream of yes's all the way out through my lips and the tips of my toes! I am just yearning for that kind of fully-present-vibrant-aliveness that school is so very good at stamping out. I don't know about you, but I get so restless with school and with academia and with all of the (for lack of a better term) bullshit that ensues. Still, what is keeping me going is the fragile hope that all of the bullshit will amount to something when I "get out there." And I'll be getting out there in only six friggin weeks (!!!). So I am cradling my hopes for Uganda ever-s0-gently. I am fiercely defending my optimism from all the external threats to its security. It is getting hard but I am trying my hardest to hold on to the little piece of trust that says yes, we're all going to be okay. Yes, every little thing is gonna be all right. Yes, I'll find my something. And hopefully I'll find it in Uganda.

So my wish for you all today is that you find your somethings too, wherever you are :) You deserve a life of yes's and passion and joy and adventure and don't ever let the tedium of school or the cynicism bred by "the way things are" make you think otherwise!